I've been incredibly ill... AGAIN!... So work around here has been at a standstill.. Our migrant workers have not been performing as well as that guy on the boat said they would... I want my $50 back!.. You hear me Raul!??!?... Anyhow, on to business... Amongst all the letters that we get here at Sachz Inc., we receive only about 30% worth of comments that actually praise the hard work our employees do... People don't realize that we work our asses off 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... Being the person in charge, I have to make command decisions so we can make our deadlines; alot of the time playing the role of the bad guy and making the entire company work through the weekends and the holidays... Which makes me very sad to say that we receive alot of hate mail... Just last week I opened my inbox, deleted the flood of spam that I receive on a daily basis, and I am forced to sit and read through a ton of garbage - in hopes that some positive criticism could be attained...
Dear Mr. Sachz,
It has come to my attention that your company is the sole manufacturer of what your company calls, "Mighty Kid" accessories. How can you sleep at night knowing that your toys are allowing children everywhere to think they can perform superhuman feats? I have purchased many Sachz Inc. products before, but I can say that I refuse to anymore. Last week, my 15 year old son Jacob (god rest his soul), put on your "Superhuman Cape" and jumped off of our 6th story balcony thinking that he could fly. The last thing that I told him was that we were out of milk, and he should go and get some at the store. Needless to say he couldn't fly and he fell straight down onto a homeless man begging for change below. Enclosed is a summons to court for your willful wrongdoings. I hope to personally see you there so I can slap the shit out of you. May god have mercy on your soul you horrible, horrible man!
Well Eleanor, looks like humankind was lucky on this one... Two birds with one stone: your obviously retarded teenager and a common street peddler... I think we should get a serious tax break for performing such a service... Tell you what though, enclosed in our response is a 10% off your next Sachz Inc. purchase, and don't miss our "Baby Sweatshop" line of products due out before Christmas...
... The customer is always #1